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Saturday, December 15, 2007

A Holiday Wish By Steve Martin
(An original monologue by Steve Martin on a Christmas special of Saturday Night Live in 1991)

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! So -- we reorganize! Here we go.

First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Holiday Feasts

As we approach the holidays, most of the people I know are concerned about eating too much and gaining weight. I thought I’d post some non-traditional holiday dishes that might help with that spare tire. All of these are edible, in fact, I’ve tried all these dishes and some are quite good.


Crispy Fried Scorpians on Fried Rice Noodles. They taste a little like unsalted potato chips. I tend to remove the stinger before eating.



At this meal, I was wearing a sweater. As I reached across the table, I brushed against the plate of scorpians and these fellows latched on with their stingers. I had to eat each one followed by a glass of beer.


Turtle dish. I’m not sure how this is cooked, but the Chinese eat the shell. It is said it has an aphrodishac effect. I don’t think it works.


I had this meal in the city of Yanji on the North Korean border. It is a cold noodle soup with everything but the kitchen sink thrown in. It had an interesting flavor and texture.



This meal was also eaten in Yanji and is one of my favorites. This was my 49th birthday and the long noodle is a traditional birthday celebration and signifies a long life. The rest of the meal was a wild mushroom fondue and was delicious. Mixed in was a plate of dogmeat (not the best thing I’ve eaten.


Turtle soup with eggwhite ducks floating on it. By the way, the turtle was complete with shell, just like it was lurking in the bottom of a pond.



Beijing Duck (previously known as Peking Duck). Simply fabulous. This is the oldest duck restaurant in Beijing is is packed every night.


Another delicious meal if you can get by the cherry eyes of the pig.



No meal is complete without a cold beer.